I have learnt over time that while I enjoy company, the friendship of many wonderful people, there is a singularity to life and the personal responsibility for choices and their consequences. However, the two are seldom in sync. That’s because while we want to be our authentic selves, every person in our lives and every group of friends we belong to has expectations of us based on the group characteristics and on the individual images that have unconsciously or consciously been painted in their minds. This is no fault of anyone’s really. It is what human minds do.
One of the worst times to stand out is when you have financial problems and there is a group event. The first go to is an excuse for not being available. “I have another pressing event to attend”. One of the tricks that work so often is cancel last minute with something came up or I don’t feel well. I don’t like this one because it is in convincing for all involved.
That’s the reason I recently decided to tell my friends that I couldn’t afford the event that was being planned for. The horror on their faces. “We are all struggling. We all are planning in faith. We are going to find a solution.” The atmosphere though was filled with the air of disappointment. I explained in the most light terms that I have several financially demanding matters at about the same time.
I was being authentic with myself. I was happy and content with this but immediately after speaking those words a raw fear crept in. I immediately became aware of how disappointing that sounded, how bear I felt. Some people may think that’s so ballsy. Yes it is but every revelation of self takes courage and there is an equal and opposite amount of fear being overcome everytime we choose to be courageous. I had told my truth to my “friends” but I had stepped out of a ring by doing so and stepped down and below the standard.
It is the reason we reveal layers of ourselves to different people based on how much they want to know, how much they can take and what they mean to us but also what we assume we mean to them. The desire of every person and my prayer for everyone would be to find at least one person or a few people with whom they can be truly themselves, express their greatest joys and deepest sorrows, be their greatest and strongest versions but be their weakest selves to the point of failing while still finding acceptance, comfort and confidence.
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