And since I can’t afford a therapist, I will just pour out a ramble over here
Today, someone friend found it almost hilarious that some things jab at my self esteem; the outrageous suggestion. After all, I am tough as nails. Wouldn’t the opposite be true instead, she marvelled; that absolutely nothing can shake me. I mean what I say and say what I mean. I express my thoughts so eloquently because I fear nothing and reserve nothing.
Interesting, right ?
The inner scared insecure inadequate imposter recoils and mourns. It is entertaining, watching this imagery created by my expressive and apparently tough as nails desposition. It reminds me of the patients who suffer a stroke, which affects their speech centre. They perceive everything just right, but when they try to utter words out, they simply say the wrong words…words that are completely unrelated to what they intend to say.
In a way, I understand when people say that, and yet I don’t. I try to be kind. I even dare think of myself as loving and accomodative. I try to entertain my colleagues by being available and chat away about whatever.
To think that the out of body person is me, and I am also all these things that I have tried to show myself as, yet at the core, I am everything mild and simple. I said, “I want to give the speech. But I wish I didn’t have to write it. ”
Please don’t take my words too literally. If you read the last statement, want is the core word. I do want to. But this person who gives eloquent speeches in meetings and can command the stage before a couple thousand people still lives with a mildly significant self doubt and a longing for approval, defence, and acknowledgement. So weak, right? Yet I don’t feel weak. I simply live with the awareness of both and every once in a while, the child in me cries out to me as though to say, ” I thought when we become ilder, we shall be all strong and not needing to be merely embraced. You know we judge ourselves quite enough by ourselves. “
And to that child, I say, “It’s okay. We’re okay. You’re okay. “
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